"Treacherous slut!" spat Thongor. He felt a little bad using the word slut since he generally avoided profanity, but that was what you called women who betrayed you in a sword & sorcery story. Men were treacherous dogs. In fact, dog was a good all purpose expletive for bad guys, usually with an adjective in front of it. Cringing dog. Lying dog. Thongor reminded himself to add that to his guidebook.
"Sorry boys," Etheria said, slinking across the room. "A girl's got to look out for herself."
"But why?" said Priest, enjoying Etheria's sinuous slinking despite the danger of imminent death.
"Isn't it obvious?" said Zolthang.
"Well, no," Thongor said. "Maybe if we'd fought you before and you were like, our arch enemy or something. But being this is our first confrontation, you'd better to the exposition speech thing."
"Hmmm. All right. but no inching forward to attack me while I'm talking."
"Dang," said Thongor. That was precisely what he'd been planning.
"As you of all people know, Thongor, there's no real market for old fashioned sword & sorcery stories these days. Oh sure, Del Rey is reprinting Robert E. Howard's stuff, but no publishers are interested in new stories about barbarians and evil sorcerers of my type. Everybody wants Lord of the Rings clones. Epic quests with elves and dwarves and dark lords and such."
Thongor said, "True enough. I still don't see where Priest and I come in."
"It's quite simple. I'm looking for a career change. I want to become a dark lord. I want to brush the dust of this two-bit Conan knock-off world off my feet and start threatening an entire world. Just think of it. I could lose these stupid robes and become a disembodied force of pure evil!"
"Um, sure. But again. Why us?"
"You boys are really dense aren't you? And stop that inching forward, Thongor. You two are from a yahoo group that opens up into other worlds, Plus you've got that dimension hopping couch. You're my ticket out of here to the big time."
"You're mad!" said Priest, mostly because he hadn't had any dialog for several paragraphs.
"Cliche, but true," said Thongor. "If you think we'll help you get out of this world and become an even bigger menace, then all your dogs aren't barking."
"Oh really? Well perhaps THIS will change your mind."
Zolthang gestured hypnotically and a stone doorway grated open in the ceiling. Three huge spiders came scrambling down a strand of webbing as thick as a man's arm. The spiders mandibles made horrible clicking sounds and green ichor dripped from their gaping maws.
"Finally!" cried Thongor.